I am finding it difficult to accept this new fellowship of which I am now a member. They appear to be devout, but their devotion is no longer to the Lord or Christ, but to Longinius, who supposedly thrust the spear into Christ’s side at Golgatha and was damned forever. To give up the beliefs that are such a part of who I am is … troubling.
And so I can leave what I was behind and assume this new life, where it is my duty to turn mortals towards the path of the Lord with no hope of personal salvation. What the fuck? Should I truly be damned? For what end? Who did this to me? Where should I place the blame for this change that has forever left me unclean and unholy regardless of whatever penance I might do. I am no better than some demon, except I am not to tempt the mortals from righteousness, but rather frighten them back towards it.
The Lord has turned forever from me, and I am truly Damned. My only duty is to make sure that the mortals remember God and to keep him holy. I am unsure if I can accept this belief. Or am I simply being too proud to think that the Lord may have tasked me with this much as Jonah was tasked with preaching to the heathens so long ago. Will I follow his example or accept what I am and do what I have been given to do?
It is a slow transition to a state of mind that turns everything I believe sort of sideways and puts me not as Job, as I had seen myself, but as the devil who is to test his faith. I was too fucking proud I suppose to believe that I truly was damned for whatever reason I was chosen for this embrace into perpetual sin.
As a last act of penance, I have arranged with Dominic to create a shelter for the runaway youth who everyday flock to this hell to become writers or actors or whatever proud dreams draw them to this pit of iniquity. Few if any make these dreams come true, instead becoming the strippers, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers, thieves, and all the other sinners collected here. Maybe I can start here and return them to the Lord.
Dominic suggested that I should turn this small bit of hope into a diner. I initially thought he could go fuck himself, but if I am to become what the Lord has ordained, then I am going to have to feed from mortals and not feel regret or anxiety or guilt. Longinius does at least hold to what I had already decided for myself, that the truly innocent should not be consumed from and that I would know if they were in fact innocent by the inability to do so. Simple really.
The Lord saw the evil that took place here before our arrival, and punished the previous Vassals by sending the Owls after them. Longinius speaks of this too, that in the last days, the Owls would come to judge us. Some will be consumed, some will offer themselves to the owl, some will continue their work in hell, and then there are the ones who appear to be saved…So there is some hope after all of redemption.
Interesting that the hypocrite and the old man were not able to relate the last bit of Longinius’ writing to what had occurred here with the Owl. I certainly had no knowledge of it before then, but now I can see that that was God’s judgement on those here, and it would seem they willingly gave themselves to it.
And so it is that I have begun to formulate a list of heretics and sinners amongst our own who must see the light, even if it means sending them on to judgement. The whore witch, that blasphemer – Steven. It is a small place to begin.
Where shall I begin with passing the Word to other’s? Elysium perhaps? I expect that may eventually lead to trouble, but it is a manner in which I am used to preaching. Shall I adjust to something smaller and less presumptuous? I think I shall perhaps begin simply with passing out some small pamphlets, not unlike those I handed out prior to becoming damned.
I do not know what to make of these dreams. To be sure, the act of punishing the whore and the hypocrite seems fine, but I have made my bed with these for now, and I lack the strength to take them to task for their misdeeds. The whore tests me, pushes my buttons, tries to egg me into something. The hypocrite is useful for now. The heathen I do not yet know well enough to consider, and perhaps as long as he thinks I am as mad as the proverbial hatter, he will not consider me either.
I have taken a page from memories of the war on TV. The trap is springs, broken glass, and bits of metal. It should at the very least protect me a little, should anyone find me down here. The presence of the law here last week made me more than a bit nervous.